Post by hoosiercop on Feb 13, 2007 15:40:18 GMT -5
I'm starting this thread as a gathering place for funny cop themed pictures, stories, jokes, etc. Alot of stuff floats around the web that's pretty funny. So we can collect it here. Here's my initial contribution:
Post by hoosiercop on Feb 13, 2007 15:53:42 GMT -5
The New York City Police Department recently hired ten cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. "You are all part of the Dept. now" said the Sgt. during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can use the police cars, but please don't eat any of the other cops." The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later, the Sgt. remarked, "you're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Sergeants has disappeared. Do you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the Sgt. left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate a Sergeant?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals railed, "You fool! For 4 weeks, we've been eating Lieutenants, Captains and above and no one noticed anything, but noooooo you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
Post by ncemergencyemt on Feb 13, 2007 20:18:34 GMT -5
The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of a CHP cruiser in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper calls in and asks for the Chief. He tells the Chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle it. "It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asks the Chief. "No Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important." "Is it the governor?" "No! Even more important!" "Is it the PRESIDENT?" "No! Even more important!" "Well, WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the Chief. "I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper, "But he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!
Post by ncemergencyemt on Feb 13, 2007 20:20:25 GMT -5
One day a man is speeding on the interstate and a police officer falls in behind him and turns on the blue lights.
The man thinks, "I can get away from this COP..." He commenses to increase his speed and escape from this officer.
After a minute or so, he realizes that he's not going to escape, so he pulls over.
The Police Officer steps up to the window of his vehicle and tells the man, "I was on my way home and have had a very long day. If you can give me a good enough excuse, I'll let you go with a warning."
The man thinks for a second and says to the officer, "About two weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. I honestly thought that you were him trying to give her back to me..."
Post by ncemergencyemt on Feb 13, 2007 20:22:13 GMT -5
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a ticket for the bicycle safety violation.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off, he turns back to the cop and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick under the horse rather than on top."
Good idea to start this thread....Just keep the photos to a reasonable size please. If they cause the first column on the left side of the site to become skinnier and scrunched up.....the photo would need to be resized. Please, just keep that in mind. You wouldn't want me to get out the can of whoop-ass....
Oh great...now we're gonna have a bunch of would-be Don Rickles' here!!!
Post by hoosiercop on Feb 14, 2007 12:05:57 GMT -5
Law Enforcement Types
Pretty funny, alarmingly accurate though! Obviously written by a cop.
Narcotics units Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to. Start watching every episode of Monster Garage. Buy a biker wallet with a big chain. Make every case involve overtime $$$. Buy bunches of boats, RV's, and motorcycles with that overtime. Learn to play golf drunk.
SWAT units Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday. Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation. Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair. Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod. Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness. Learn to play golf wearing a gun.
Community Service units Hate SWAT. Work to make everybody love you. Paint your office in pastel colors. Think Feng Shui. Subscribe to Psychology Today. Learn to play miniature golf.
Traffic units Write tickets to EVERYBODY. Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots. Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops. Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day. Ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection. Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.
Administrative Units Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a "meeting". Upgrade department cell phone every month. Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine. Update your revenge list on a weekly basis. Golf Rules! Play lots of golf.
Patrol Units Has nerves of steel. In a terminal state of nausea from department politics. Inability to keep mouth shut. Has defining tastes in alcohol. Is respected by peers. Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot
Investigators Come in at 0800 "Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030 Work from 1030 to Noon Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch 1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know. Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.
Patrol Sergeant Remembers very well "how we used to do it." Always willing to tell his officers the above. Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence. Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs."
Trainee Unable to grow facial hair. Watches every episode of Cops. Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on. Arrives for work three hours early. Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him. Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.
FEDS Shave head, and grow goatee (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you are clean shaven, with short almost military style haircut). Wear 5.11 pants, and polo with agency logo (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you always have a shirt and pants to which a jacket and tie can be quickly added for when the boss might be around). Arrive at work at 8AM, spend one hour answering useless emails, and 30 minutes checking your retirement investments. Then go with another agent to Starbucks "to discuss your new case." After participating in your first warrant service (as outside cover) make plans to join the agency SRT,SWAT, etc, to "properly utilize your superior tactical skills." After doing your first buy bust, immediately begin asking the boss about "long term undercover" jobs. Refuse to play golf with "the locals."
New Corrections Officers Show up for work 15 minutes early Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2) Wear T-Shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove: gun, baton, spare magazines, knife, cell phone, and BUG when you arrive at the facility Become friends with every local police officer Continue eating too much and not exercising
Post by hoosiercop on Feb 19, 2007 10:51:56 GMT -5
HOW TO INTERPRET A POLICE REPORT... (1) What the report SAID (2)What the report MEANT
(1) While on routine patrol... (2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.
(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner (2) He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-DON'T FEED THE PIGS"
(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control (2) It was raining.
(1) This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant. (2) It was too hot to ride in the car.
(1) I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner... (2) The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.
(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history... (2) He puked on my uniform one night...
(1) The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past... (2) I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...
(1) While being arrested, this subject resisted being injured in the act... (2) He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses...
(1) The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations... (2) I wrote one citation for each swearword he used...
(1) Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door... (2)The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.
(1) The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies... (2) I sent them to a nonexistent address which I called the "Command Post."
(1) I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding... (2) They were good-looking, owned a liquor store, and were free after my shift was over.
(1) The Chief appeared at the scene and took command... (2) I sent him to the same address as the reporters.
(1) Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions. (2) It was my bowling night...
(1) The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage. (2) He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.
(1) Using only enough force to restrain the subject... (2) My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life"
(1) The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment... (2) I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.