Post by hoosiercop on Mar 16, 2007 13:22:16 GMT -5
THE LITTLE OLD AMISH LADY...
A little old Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband Jacob know as soon as I get home," said the little old Amish lady.
"That's fine," said the officer.
"Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the little old Amish lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, what exactly did he say?" said the husband.
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure," said the little old Amish lady, "something about the emergency brake...."
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The 'Motorist' instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an 'AH' in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the 'Violator' for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the 'AH' and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, 'That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!'
Three months later they are in court. The 'Violator' has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; 'Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?'
The Officer responds, 'Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.'
Attorney: 'Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?'
Officer: 'Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH' , underlined.'
Attorney: What does the AH stand for, officer?
Officer: 'Aggressive and Hostile Sir'
Attorney: Aggressive and hostile'
Officer: 'Yes Sir?
Attorney: 'Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole? '
Officer: 'Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!'
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that his is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license.
They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.
One day a CHP officer from our office arrives on scene of a non-injury collision, with the local P.D. standing by for us. The coppers are all laughing and snickering as our guy approaches. The CHP is trying to get the info from the coppers about what happened, but all they can do is point, and tell him to talk to the driver. Now one of the drivers is a very agitated visitor, Asian, who is ranting and raving about suing Ford Motor Co. Our officer attempts to calm him down, trying to find out what happened. well...as it turns out, the visitor was driving the van on one of our freeways when he decides he's pretty thirsty, so he puts on the "cruise control" which he believes to be something akin to "auto pilot," as he then gets up out of the driver's seat and goes to the back of the van to get a drink. In short order the van goes out of the lane, striking another car. Well at last sighting, the tourist still was yelling "Ford no good, Ford no good..".
Your department's pay scale is tied to the cost of living in Bangladesh Your horse patrol has to practice riding using broom sticks Your locker room is located in the Shell gas station Your partner is less than four feet tall Your less-lethal device is a pillow The new chief has picked out chartreuse uniforms Jesse Jackson is moving into town You are being put on the new seven days a week, twelve hours a day, shift More officers are working internal affairs than are working patrol Promotions are decided by a coin flip
Damn...I don't know where else to put this! I guess it's better here rather than starting a stupid cop humor section! Some dopey cop took some marijuana off someone and kept it, which is pretty bad all by itself. But this brain-surgeon then baked it into some brownies which he and his wife proceeded to eat. Needless to say, they both got fuuuu*ked up!! They were so out of it that the cop called 911 because he thought he was dying....... Listen for yourself......