A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" Well, now, not so fast now," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say... "$20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing."
Top Ten Reasons You Have Not Been Promoted: 1. Your breath. 2. Starting every conversation with "You won't believe this S***". 3. Dumped the Chief's daughter(ok, son) for a stripper. 4. You just earned your Junior High school diploma. 5. You really enjoy writing tickets to members of the city council. 6. "Tasers are for fun". 7. Some photos of you with nothing on but your uniform shirt. 8. Continually spitting tobacco while forgetting that the patrol car window is up. 9. Asking your Sergeant for hugs. 10. Eating your lunch in the bathroom.
You will be called into work on your day off when your family has planned a party at the lake.
Your squad car will only break down when you are outside your beat.
Waterproof boots aren't.
You will be flagged down by a citizen when you are on your way to the PD with a bad case of diarrhea.
You will only be stopped for speeding off duty when you have forgotten your badge and DL.
Freebees will only arrive at the station on your days off.
There will be no parking spaces around the court house when you are running late to appear.
There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives.
You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray.
You will only be subpoenaed to court at 0900 hrs in the morning after working an 18 hour day.
To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible!
Anyone that flirts with you on-duty won't even recognize you off-duty.
The hardest job for a Hostage Negotiator is to negotiate with the crisis committee!
No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes another's idea...usually the Chief's.
If your patrol car's air is out the suspect will smell worse than a wet dog.
On the nights where you have to go grocery shopping in uniform, you will get pissed on by a drunk.
When your in a hurry, that is when all slow and "lack of attention" drivers are driving on the road.
You always have a big use of force on your Friday before your vacation.
Never respond to a domestic with anyone braver than you.
If your raid is going well, you're at the wrong house.
The one time you cuss on the radio, your chief will be listening .
Your overheads and siren will only fail during a pursuit.
You will only roll through a stop sign when your Chief is sitting at the other side of the intersection.
K-9 units only do stupid thing's in public.
The day you let your boyfriend/girlfriend ride out with you, your husband/wife comes by the station to visit.
Court will be cancelled only after you have changed all your plans to be there.
You will be decorated for stupidity, and busted for brilliant work.
When closing the Sally Port door, if a fellow officers car is under it pushing the stop button will only slow it down.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Anything that you do can get you shot - including doing nothing!
The first sip from the first coffee of your shift always triggers the dispatcher to send you on a call usually an emergency or something that will cause the coffee to go cold before you can return to it.
You will only lock yourself out of your cruiser when a Supervisor is on scene, about to arrive on scene or is the only person available to fetch the spare set of keys from the station.
Putting in a request to go home early is the best way to ensure that you get a cluster call and end up on overtime.
It will always be busy as hell when you don't feel like doing anything, and it will always be slow as hell when you are looking for something to do.
Just when you are thinking about making a "pit stop" in case you are called on an emergency, they call you on an emergency.
Crime only occurs on days that end in "Y".
You will only talk bad about another officer when they are standing behind you.
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
You will run out of road flares on the foggiest or darkest night of the year.
Don't think of it as being outnumbered and surrounded, think of it as a really low risk of ammunition wastage.
Hey guys. I would really like to put some of the Cop Humor jokes in the Florida LEGAL newsletter. Does anybody mind if I use their material? If anybody has a problem with it, let me know soon as I go to print on July 1st. So speak up now or forever hold your piece (oh, I'm so sorry. I meant peace)!!!
The stuff I have posted is all stuff gathered from various sites on the web, freely distributed stuff. So use it as you see fit. Many of the jokes have been told and retold a thousand times so theres no telling where and from whom the origins come from.
Post by 1dbigjim563 on Jun 8, 2007 13:10:44 GMT -5
Carroll you're just too much!!!
Obviously you haven't spent nearly enough time in the midwest. In my case, having been born in Chicago, IL that may be a good thing.
Illinois, similarly to Indiana, has a nick name. It is said to be derived from a certain sort of fish in Lake Michigan; that body of water which gently kisses (except on some winter days) the NW corner of the state.
For my own temporary sanity until one of you pervs gets studious and digs it up, and just to see which of you might be studious, I will not tell you the state's nick name.
As a kid I used to get fits of laughter over the Hoosier State until I found out what they call my home state, and then I just shut up.