Henny Youngman: (1906 - 1998) - English born, American comedian, actor.
"Take my wife....PLEASE!"
"I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in."
"A wonderful Doctor gave this guy 6 months to live. When he couldn't pay his bills, he gave him another 6 months."
"So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.' "
And my favorite ;D "While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."
Jim, I laughed so hard I damn near peed my pants. Thanks for the laugh and the fond remembrance of a good old fashioned comedian. No foul language, no personal put downs, just plain old fashioned comedy. And Carroll, if YOU'RE an alte cocker, what does that make me!? I'm so old I knew the Dead Sea before it got sick! [PS...for the uninitiated "alta cocker" literally means "old sh*t" ]
Jeez...how accurate is that ad??!!! I know it's a joke but thats how the sights should be if they're selling Glocks to homies! And I was thinking that the NYPD should issue these types of 9mm's to some of the newer cops we're getting. More and more, we read about some young cop getting arrested for being involved in activities that "homies" are usually involved in, from drug dealing to retaliatory "beef" shootings. But that ad is almost realistic. Who knows....it may be just a matter of time before we see real guns that look like that!
Post by 1dbigjim563 on Apr 23, 2007 11:42:18 GMT -5
Actually Burner, I was always told alte cocker translated pretty much as it sounds, into old cock, not necessarily refering to the male member, but more in terms of an old rooster.
Any Hoosier, you ain't that young no matter how you doctor your photos (LOL). I think you've simply been denied knowledge of certain things due to your white bread midwestern upbrining.
And thank you Carroll, for being considerate of those among us who may not have an appreciation for yeddish.
I grew up hearing snatches of it in Chicago, and it just became part of the vocabulary having lived in NYC for so many years. It's sort of regrettable that I hear less of it working its way into conversation today on retuern visits to NYC. Just further evidence of the lamentable homoginization of the once rich American Urban experience.
..Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
A handsome but crusty Marine Sergeant Major, just recently retired, found himself giving a presentation on the "Don't ask, don't tell" military policy, at a gayla event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic gay men in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
The Sergeant Major responded, "Negative, sir. Just serious by nature." And then the Marine said briefly but proudly, "I'm a Marine," and out of his wallet he took out a picture of himself in uniform, sporting many valorous medals and distinguished awards.
The young gay man looked at this picture and then said to the Marine, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action.
"Yes, sir, a lot of action."
The young man, tiring of trying to keep up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at him in his serious manner.
Finally the young man said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
The young gay man took the Sergeant Major's hand and led him to a private dorm room where he proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, he leaned against the Marine's bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of2%milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2lb.can of coffee,and A1lb.package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to checkout, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
Being a bit startled by this proclamation, I was intrigued by this derielict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right.
This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late. "Great, just great", I muttered. The driver opened his door........leaned out of his car and stared at me. He was a dwarf. He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled down my window. He said, "I'm not happy"... To which I replied, "Well..... which one are you then?"