buepride, I just noticed the OJ Simpson card and it made me think of an old OJ joke. It really is in bad taste, but I love it anyway. What did Saint Peter say to Nocole Brown Simpson when she arrived at the gates of Heaven? Have a seat. Your waiter will be with you shortly!!!
Here's another one. Joan Rivers said that her daughter is always trying to hook her up with OJ Simpson. Malissa says that OJ is oh so cute when he's angry!!!
And finally, OJ Simpson asked Barbara Walters "have you ever been to bed with a black person?" She said, "no, have you?"
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone one hundred dollars who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A buxom young blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
So this guy walks into a bar during happy hour and starts drinking. He turns out to be a verry happy type drunk. He laughs and jokes with everybody and the people really enjoy his company. At one point, through his laughter, he tells the patrons that he can fly. Everybody laughs and so does he. But he insists that he can fly. He says that there is an updraft on top of the skyscraper next door, and if you jump off the roof, the updraft will prevent you from falling. He invites everyone to come up to the roof with him to watch him fly. So everybody goes up to the roof. Meanwhile the guy is laughing, joking and having a grand old time. When they get on the roof, he climbs up on the ledge and laughs as he says "is everybody ready to see me fly. They all say yes, "fly, fly, fly." He stepps off the roof and hovers there in mid air. He then flaps his arms, flys around and come in for a perfect landing. The croud is stunned. He then, in a very happy tone, invites the man standing next to him to try it. He says, the updraft is really great and it's lots of fun. The guy says ok, I'll try it. He steps off the roof and falls to his death. At this point, the bartender whispers to the ever so happy drunk, "you realy should stop drinking, Superman"!!!
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman,sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!
He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life!
The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.'... Breakfast was my idea."
Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative so the black bear had his way with Bob.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you."
Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Always good to keep up with recent scientific studies....
RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER 'T'. EXAMPLES TUESDAY THURSDAY TODAY TOMORROW THANKSGIVING THATURDAY THUNDAY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS : 5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER 12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM 83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then as to the subtlety of definitions......
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND? ABOUT 45 MINUTES ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART? THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO? A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE ? A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS 'ONCE UPON A TIME.....' AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS........... 'Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS S**T'
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always buy it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...."TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "